My Craigslist Chronicles

 When I have enough money to live happily will I still do research studies? The advert talked about testing a new way to make flu vaccines. It also mentioned $400.

Not unusually I started off lost and about to be late. Many San Diego roads are stopped abruptly by deep canyons, so when 3rd Avenue ran out one block from where I wanted to be my casual stroll to be perfectly on time at 7:30am changed into a full-scale run back two blocks, across a rope bridge to 4th, down another two blocks and then back onto where 3^rd took up again.

 I used to have this paranoid thing where I had to be exactly on time. It would make me acutely uncomfortable to be early and waiting with people looking at me. I came to be fantastic at timing meetings or social dates accordingly, but when I grew up a bit and stopped being so incredibly shy (something nobody who knows me believes) this ability faded and was replaced by the opposite - a complete inability to ever time my actions properly and so to be almost always late for everything. It seems to be a family trait - my dad coined 'The Roberts Factor', and explained that it means that however long you propose something will take, times it by three and you've got a far better estimate. Annoyingly this always seems to only be a realization after the fact, rather than a useful tool before starting something.

 “Sorry, I’m late”, “That’s fine, do you have your ID?” “No”. Why would I leave home without my ID? Why would I do it on a day I had a ton of work for a full paid, great exposure, presentation I had to do the next day? So home again, tons of frenzied work for a few hours, then back at 6:00pm when I should have finished above work, but hadn’t in any way and was in a blind panic as I had only written half of it. Still, how long could this appointment be? (hint, not the 30 minutes I thought).

 There were six other people in the waiting room, one of which was a guy who was eating pizza and walking up and down in a way outwardly normal but I just knew something was up with him due to the years I worked with psychiatric patients. He goes in to get screened and sure as eggs three minutes later he’s barging out raging about how they had all lied to him and were conning us all because they weren’t giving him all of the compensation now and how he was going to call the police (yeah, screaming and yelling at the top of your voice is really going to get the other party arrested) and we should all leave with him in protest. I, of course, have learned professionally how to deal with people acting out, but fuck that, I’m not getting paid to go into calming, talk-down mode, I just froze like the rest of them and looked straight ahead hoping someone else would deal with him and he wouldn’t start doing some people punching. The good result though was that after he stormed out it was a great conversation starter for a previously silent room. Good old adversity. Nobody in England would have ever talked to anyone but family if it hadn’t been for the big Wars. In London you can officially be arrested on public transport for trying to strike up a conversation.

 The study itself was a meticulously planned hand-off from screening nurse, blood draw, doctor exam, to inoculation. It took 2 hours, but hey, I'd still have time to do the presentation that evening and the next morning. No problems.

 BIG PROBLEMS: it’s two hours later and I’m home and I have a tickle in my throat, a little cough. My Dear Husband looks up “it’s nothing” I say, “they said we might have a little reaction”. I am a liar. I lied to them in the screening when they asked if I was allergic to anything (yeast in the form of marmite – do I still eat marmite, but of course), or did I ever get hayfever or asthma (all my life), because they were offering a lot of compensation and I needed the money. I lied a little to DH because it wasn’t nothing, my throat was slowly swelling up and I didn’t want to worry him. MY THROAT WAS SLOWLY SWELLING UP. I had a tickly cough that came out in an annoying burst every 10 seconds, I was getting wheezy and the back of my mouth itched like hell. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DO?? Was I going into anaphylactic shock and ABOUT TO DIE?? I sucked down on my inhaler, loaded up on antihistamines, shoved some nasal spray up my nose and went to bed. “I’ll be fine”.

 Ten minutes later and I CAN HARDLY BREATH. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, I CAN HARDLY BREATH. This is so dumb. I’m putting $400 over my life because I feel if I phone the research place and tell them I’m about to die they’ll boot me out of the study. But it’s one of those “it’ll never happen to me” situations. I know a whole ton of people die of allergic reactions each year, but why would it be me? Besides, DH used to be a firefight so he’s got a load of first aid experience, he’ll know what to do. Except I’ve said goodnight and the door’s closed and what if I can’t breath so much I can’t yell out and I can’t move because I can’t breath and I pass out because I CAN’T BREATH and the antihistamine’s kicking in, but only the drowsy bit so I’m falling asleep then waking up hardly being able to breath. I’m on the edge of being REALLY, REALLY, SCARED, and crying a bit at what a fucking idiot I’ve been and am being. Crying when you’re throat is nearly swollen shut isn’t easy, it makes it worse. This is how I'm going to die, I sob, as I drift off again.

 But of course, it did subside and I was okay. Lesson learned: do not lie about medical facts when your life may be in danger, however much money you could make. But I know I will probably lie again, just hopefully it won’t be about something quite so essential as the ability to breath properly enough to live.

 BONUS: I had completely fucked up on the presentation and there was no way I was ready to do a 3-hr online lecture and now I had a legitimate excuse – I could hardly talk in more than a whisper or a rasp – I could put it off for another week - good old near-death experience.